Marching Band

Okay first and foremost, I want to scream at the top of my lungs. Both of them. Blow 'em out. I want to die because I am screaming so loud that my lungs cramp and cannot function and I pass out because I've suffocated.

Whew. Now that that has been stated. I feel somewhat better. But not really at all. Because I've realized that you can say whatever you want to whoever you want to say it to and they don't have to care. In fact, some people will never care. I am so sick and tired of filtering myself to make other people happy. Or saying just the right thing. I don't care anymore. I don't care if what I say is eloquent or well stated or mild or sarcastic or just right. I'm tired of political correctness and good grammar. I have things to say and I don't think anyone listens and I'm tired of people not listening. I want to stand on tables and roofs and scream just to see if someone hears.

But if they do. I want to crouch down and whisper tiny secrets and cry tiny tears and let my tiny heart be broken. I'd stop being loud. All I want is to be heard and to be cared for. I think that's all anyone wants. We just deal with it in different ways. I want soft words and no goodbyes just when you think they are about to come. I want truth from people- from more the just the moon glistening on the waves. I want real friends and true love and restful slumber.

I know I haven't written in quite some time, but life has been hectic and getting in the way of everything. It's not so good. It's part of why I want to scream. I need to do to this and that and the other. I can't keep up. Oh and Thank you America! I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life but I need to decide in the next few years... That's crap. Crappy crap. I feel like I don't know anything anymore and everything I do know has been outsourced by something else and gone to somewhere else where someone else is doing the job. What? Exactly.

Anarchy

Obvious fact #1: I haven't written in a while.
Un-obvious fact #2: I've been fighting demons.

I don't like admitting my flaws. No one does. But I have them. I struggle just like everyone else struggles. People ask me for answers that I don't have. Sometimes I make stuff up and hope it all works out well. I never said I knew all the answers. I can't even answer me own questions even though I know they are there. Sometimes I don't even know the questions. It's searching that I don't know how to do. I don't understand. I work hard and play hard. I sleep a lot and sometimes not at all. I was told I couldn't be a writer because I didn't drink enough, but we all have our own addictions. Our own dark sides. We know what we run to when it seems that nothing else matters. We can't solve problems and we give up. I give up. I hate giving up but it's something I do. Not very often. Only when no one else is looking. Only when I'm sure there's no one watching. Why? Because I don't like disappointing people. I don't like letting people down. But I don't show that side to people. We all put up our defenses and walls. We all cry and hurt and bleed. At different things.

Every person it affected by different things. That's just who we are. And we change. I never cried in movies when I was younger and now it's the littlest thing in a movie that will make me cry. I don't understand it. But I think I bleed for other people now as well. I try and make other people feel better because I can't often make myself feel better. Life is a journey and to be honest, sometimes I don't want to be on this journey anymore. I'd never end it though. That's not how I am. I push and pull and get beaten and tired. Because that is life.

Sometimes the walk down the mountain is just as hard as the climb. And sometimes it's harder. Think about walking down a steep slope. It's difficult because it uses different muscles than the hike up. I think the mid-life crisis occurs because we get to the top and realize we have to travel back to the valley where we are safe again but we don't know if we can make it back down. But we have to make it back down or die trying because life is not life if you give up somewhere in the middle. Life is life because you choose to keep going through the middle.

We Live Name To Name

I just had one of those nights. One of those nights that you wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. It's one of those nights that makes you believe everything is going to turn out just fine. It wasn't about being proper or expensive dinner or trying to impress. It was about smiling and laughing and shooting terrorists on video games. It was about awkward jokes and funny timing and weird stares from people walking by. I've had those kinds of nights before. But this was different. Because everyone has friends who are great friends but you know the fun will fade. You know reality will kick in soon enough and they will act weird. This night wasn't like that. This was a calm peacefulness that doesn't usually come with being around most people. Because most people are too stuck in their own ways or too selfish or too something. There are very few people who are so genuine that you don't have to try and read through the layers. You just know who they are and they know who they are. Sure, everyone carries baggage but not everyone tries so hard to hide it or hide behind it or whatever keeps them from being alive. Some people are simply people trying to go through life being people.

That might not make any sense but if you know a person like that then you know what I'm talking about. There's an aura of easiness around them. It doesn't make sense. These people could have complete crap thrown at them their wholes lives but it's about the way they handled it. No one has all the answers. You can't expect anyone to. And some people are better at explaining the answers they have. Some people are just good at being transparent.

I wish everyone were a little bit clearer. Some people think I'm good at reading people. I have no idea if that's true or not. But there's a reason everyone is the way they are. My whole point I guess is that I wish we could all be true people. I wish we could all see each other for who we are. And most of all I wish we could appreciate others. It's when people are able to act this way that reality can seem surreal. And this reality doesn't have to come crashing down. Wouldn't that be nice?

Mice

I never explained my titles. Maybe you understand them. Maybe you don't. I've come to understand that, like my posts, life isn't always about understanding everything. Actually the more I feel like I understand- the less I actually understand and the less stuff works out. But the more I relax and just let life go, the more stuff gets done and everything flows. I've come to discover that knowledge isn't key. I'm not saying be stupid or be nieve. Some people feel like they have to know everything and they have to understand everything because that's what makes them tick. I get that. I'm even like that sometimes (most of the time). But it's horrible because I find myself worrying over why I don't understand what is going on around me or why I can't fit life's pieces together.

Then I realized that I don't have to. I don't have to fit the pieces together. I don't have to understand why and I don't have to worry. I don't think everything is fair. Life isn't fair. But you have to move on anyway. I hate that. I want to get everything. I want to understand why people suck even when I'm really nice to them. I'm a very observant and contentious person. I notice people. I try to help people. Why? Because people are important. And too often, people don't think about other people. We're all too selfish but I think I've gone into that before. But no one wants to notice anything. And no one wants to care.

If someone tells a child that that child is stupid. The child begins to believe this and if that's all they are ever told then they never stop believing that they are stupid. Everyone believes they are something because that is all they are ever told. Sometimes it's important things and sometimes it's just little things. But everything makes an impact. Everything. We seem to have ideals and molds that we feel we have to fit. But it's all untrue. We don't have to be anything we don't want to be. You can create yourself.

I Was Born A Hippie.

There's one thing I've learned recently and it's that I have no idea where my life is going. Some people are born knowing they want to be a vet or an acrobat. Of course we all had dreams- I was going to be a singer and you a firefighter or the president. But some people just know. You get my point though. I just absolutely don't have a clue. Musician, writer, lawyer, engineer? Sometimes I feel like I work so hard only to know what I want for a split second and then it's over and I'm back to nothing. I don't want you to misunderstand though. I don't feel like nothing. I know I'm something and I'm far from insignificant.

I sat at the beach the other night with a friend, eating Taco Bell and watching the waves break in the moonlight and I argued with him about whether or not we are insignificant. He thinks we are but I highly disagree. One person can change the world. Then he said that one person couldn't change the world. We had a long discussion about it though. I told him that he was right- by themselves one person could not change the world but one person could start a revolution. Then he said that there aren't enough people who care. I almost yelled at him for that. They are enough people who care in our generation. It's just that our generation is lazy and they're not enough who care to lead.

The world needs to change though. It's going to the crapper and I'm not just talking about the environment and whatnot. No one bothers to care about other people and no one seems to try to understand anything. We all form opinions without knowing the facts. It's horrible. We all need to think before we speak especially when we know nothing about what we're going to speak. Sometimes I'm amazed at what comes out of people's mouths. I had no clue we are all that dumb. We are the unformed revolution that can change all of this.