Anarchy

Obvious fact #1: I haven't written in a while.
Un-obvious fact #2: I've been fighting demons.

I don't like admitting my flaws. No one does. But I have them. I struggle just like everyone else struggles. People ask me for answers that I don't have. Sometimes I make stuff up and hope it all works out well. I never said I knew all the answers. I can't even answer me own questions even though I know they are there. Sometimes I don't even know the questions. It's searching that I don't know how to do. I don't understand. I work hard and play hard. I sleep a lot and sometimes not at all. I was told I couldn't be a writer because I didn't drink enough, but we all have our own addictions. Our own dark sides. We know what we run to when it seems that nothing else matters. We can't solve problems and we give up. I give up. I hate giving up but it's something I do. Not very often. Only when no one else is looking. Only when I'm sure there's no one watching. Why? Because I don't like disappointing people. I don't like letting people down. But I don't show that side to people. We all put up our defenses and walls. We all cry and hurt and bleed. At different things.

Every person it affected by different things. That's just who we are. And we change. I never cried in movies when I was younger and now it's the littlest thing in a movie that will make me cry. I don't understand it. But I think I bleed for other people now as well. I try and make other people feel better because I can't often make myself feel better. Life is a journey and to be honest, sometimes I don't want to be on this journey anymore. I'd never end it though. That's not how I am. I push and pull and get beaten and tired. Because that is life.

Sometimes the walk down the mountain is just as hard as the climb. And sometimes it's harder. Think about walking down a steep slope. It's difficult because it uses different muscles than the hike up. I think the mid-life crisis occurs because we get to the top and realize we have to travel back to the valley where we are safe again but we don't know if we can make it back down. But we have to make it back down or die trying because life is not life if you give up somewhere in the middle. Life is life because you choose to keep going through the middle.